New New Me

On the outside I smile and act as if everything is okay. Nothing is ever okay in my life. It seems as if as soon as I turn over a new leaf, it gets crumbled by the ever changing seasons. No, I'm not depressed, that was so three years ago. No longer am I suicidal, it's gets boring after trying time after time and never succeeding. I am just me. Monique` "Capri" Young. I'm an Urban nerd, with a taste for forbidden fruit. Never did I like being the same, I am different.
By looking at me you would never guess that I carry a 3.7 GPA, or that I listen to every Genre of music (except Country), that carries a good beat. You'd never guess that I can dance just as good as any you've ever seen. Hmmph, a little weight never held me down. You wouldn't think that my heart is heavy, and I hate more then I love. That I like to see the world for what it is, but will also travel to my mind when things get to tough. I've never been one to open up, and express myself. I like to hold in my agressions, and keep it moving. Breaking down and crying doesn't solve any of my problems. So, why bother?

If I told you that I used to be addicted to any kind of pill that would numb me for a few hours, and put me to sleep...would you believe me? You wouldn't understand me if I told you I have so much anger in me that I could explode and blow up like the Twin towers. Infact, I think that I might be Bi-Polar. When I was about eleven a therapist told me I just had a lot of surpressed anger. he said I needed anger Management. I told him to manage a dick in his mouth. True, no lies.

I want to just be free of my old baggage. Shit, I'm just trying to be normal. I feel like a square, trying to focre myself inside of a circle at times. Its crazy, but I still try it. Normal, I never knew what that word was. Anywho, this is my life as I know it. The end of all my pain, and the beginning of everything that needs to be said. This is my life.....
Comment if you'd like. Don't worry, I can handle it....

Old Frustrations

I was looking through my old Myspace blog, and I found this post. I had had afrustrating day, and I wanted to pour my soul out. And, thi is what happened. You'll have to excuse the language. I wrote this three years ago, and I've grown and matured a lot since then.

So it's been brought to my attention that lately I haven't really been me. I've snapped on a few people. Ignored a lot of folks. Said a few things, that I do, to this day, regret. Flat out, turned into another person. A lot has been on my mind, and at times it' hard for me to let out my emotions. Since I have never been one to really talk things out, I've decided to do what I feel I can do best; write. Hopefully, by doing this I can clear a few things up. So, here is where I begin.....
I've really become a disappointment to myself since I've been in College. From elementary, on up to high school, I was a very focused, hard-working, studious person. I would skip a lot of parties, and many social events, because I was always so focused on school. What can I say? I didn't want to let my family down. Because I put so much of my attention, and priorities into other people, I sometimes forget about myself. In the end, I feel mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

Wku has made a monster out of me. I'm telling you, I try to stay focused, but I guess my previous social deprivement has taken its toll on me. Going to class is like poison to me. It's not good for my system. I feel as if I need to catch up for all of those "boring" years of my life. I need to do things I've never done. Try things things that most people around my age has already accomplished.

My mind has been shot lately. ya'll already know I smoke, but damn ! Lately I've been going through Black after Black, and weed is air for me. I've been blowing like a ventilation system. Frustration has been wearing on me a lot lately, and that seems to be the only way I can let it out. When you keep holding shit in, it starts to wear down on you.

I've never been one to sit around and cry, or talk out my feelings. Ya'll know I swallow, smile and keep it moving. I don't do that Expressive Journal bullshit. If ya'll really knew what I was thinking, you would committ me to a Psych Ward, and Fast ! Whenever I get worked up over something, I can't think straight, and I seem to fuck up the situation. I tend to say things that I don't mean, or my thoughts come out wrong. My mouth will run too fast, and I'll blurt a few things I wished I would've swallowed.

You see, by writing this, I was just hoping that I could, in my own way, apologize to whomever I've offended lately. I'm trying to right a few wrongs, and settle things. Like I said, not everyone will read this, but I just needed to get this off of my chest.

I'm exhaling, and praying that ya'll won't stop fucking with me just yet. For real, I am sorry. Even if I can't say it to your face, I mean it. I hope the people I wanted to read this, took the time out, and actually read it. For it was directed, for the most part, to them. Think what you will. Say whatever you want to say. Just recognize my personal bullshit, and make your decisions later.

I know this was long...but I don't give a Fuck. I don't bite my tongue for anybody, I tried that shit before, and it hurt, LIKE HELL !

VMA's overLOAD ! Pt. 2

Well, Katy Perry grabbed another inappropriate bodypart in public. Nothing new, but you gotta love the gal. Loved Taylor Swift's performance of  'You Belong To Me'. Started below in the subway, run up some steps, and ended up in the middle of the street ontop a taxi. Good atheleticism, and a great show! Man, I adored GreenDay's performance of  'East Jesus Nowhere'. But, I got scared for a second. When Billie Joe told the fans to rush the stage, I thought we had lost him. I promise, my computer turned on, and I began making lost posters for him. Then seconds later he appeard again. Pssh! He just wanted to crowd surf them hoes! Get it, BJ!

I didn't know Pink was off some circus stuff? Talk about talented. I loved her performance. It was different. And, I must give her props. I'm scared to death of heights, and I would've tinkled on myself if I were up that high. Pink sung, flipped, and swung her ass off. Atleast if singing doesn't work, she could have a job in Circ De Solei or something.

The VMA's finale with Jay-z and Alicia Keys performing 'Empire State of Mind'! Lord, it made me go HAM! I'm not even from NY, or anywhere near it. I'm a country girl, Yes...Kentucky bred. I don't know if it was how Jay made his grand entrance. Or, even if it was how A.Keys tickled the ivory, and belted out the chrous. Either way, I lost my mind! For that one second in time, I had a Mj Fan moment. I ran up to the Tv, fell on my knees and went into a frenzy. No really...I did. Now, after I gained my composure, and looked up, I saw a tiny child onstage. I blinked a few times, because I wasn't wearing my glasses. And, lo and behold, it was Lil Mama. Whew! Now, how are you going to get on Leiomy(Female from VE on ABDC) oneday for not acting lady like, and you're jumping onstage, during another artists performance? Chick get ahold of your panty drawls, and back it up! I mean, I could tell that they didn't want you up there. Geez, I guess you missed the memo dollface.

VMA OverLoad ! Pt.1

So, I'm sure by now you have seen countless blogs, websites, and other media parahanilia talking about MTV's VMA's last night. Yes indeedy, it caused MAJOR buzz lastnight. So, without further adieu, I'm going to give you my take on what I saw last night. My, oh my! Where to start first? Okay, obviously we have to start with the most craziest moment that went down last night. Oh, Mr West...

Ignorance must be bliss, loves. Because as soon as Kanye West hopped his happy ass onstage, I knew something wild was going to happen. With a twinkle of mischief in his eye, Kanye proceeded to snatch the microphone from Taylor Swift's hand. Taylor Swift looked as if she could almost die a thousands deaths, as Kanye complimented, and then bashed her in the same sentence. Why, Dear Lord, did security not stop him from running up those steps? Maybe they didn't see his swifty ass coming either. Whatever the case, he was totally in the WRONG!

Now, how are you going to interrupt someone's winning speech like that? Didn't Kanye almost piss himself, when he won a Grammy and they started playing music as soon as he began to talk? So, what was that? Payback? Why is it when some people get money, and some hellafied fame they start to lose their common sense? I mean really, that was ignorant and very unprofessional of him. Taylor Swift won that MoonMan fair and square. Random outbursts are so...2003, Kanye! Geez!

Lady Gaga, I know you're Italian...so excuse my french! If you aren't a bad bitch, I don't know who is! If you didn't peep that(which I don't know how you couldn't have) Lady Gaga had more outfit changes than Mariah Carey on cribs! I loved how after every intermission, the camera would run trhough the audience, and you'd see Ms. Gaga in a new fit. Her outfits were quirky, and quite theatrical, but I must admit, it works for her. And, can we talk about her performance? Now, wait a minute Jesus! Why did she have to kill it like that? I love the fact that she can actually sing live. Babygirl was on point with her dance moves. Then to top it all off, she went over to the piano, and lost her mind. TIME OUT! When she was dancing, and then turned around, and I saw blood, LORD! I thought she she had came on her period in the middle of her dance routine. Gee Golly, I was going to call her a trooper for that, until I flashback to her Papparazzi video, and then it all came together. Loved it! And, if that wasn't enough hotness for you, she openly admitted, she is BiSexual. She dedicated her award no to the fans, but to God and the Gays! Talk about making a stand!

Drake "Drizzy" Rogers

Drake has been out for years! No one really noticed his genius, or even paid him any mind until he popped out of Weezy's bootyhole. Lol, okay hold on, let me take that back. Drake or Weezy, if you ever stumble upon this...sorry, Loves! I get high and my fingers move faster than my brain. Seriously though, Replacement Girl was the shit! It was one of his first songs I had ever heard. That was back in the day when he & Trey Songz were thinking about doing a Modern Jay-Z & R.Kelly movement, I believe. Don't quote me on that, though. It might have been a rumor. If not, they need to get back to that grind. Best of Both Worlds, much? Anywho, I think Drake & Trey would've killed it, and demolished Jay & Kellz. Their style of music, and their vibes mesh better than Jay & Kellz. But, who am I to say? Oh yeah, I'm Capri...that's who.

I'm not going to sit here and type out a full out blog about Drake. Well, not yet, atleast. But, yo, when someone stays beasting in the industry like Drake does, why not talk about him. I'm telling you, he's being released out of the cage, and he's about to go ZOO on these niggas out here! Whew...yes, Lord! I have other thing to blog about, like the VMA's for one. I was just commenting on a blog post that I was following. If you'd like to go and read(which I think you should) Here's the link. WhaPOW!

This Goes Out to You !

I Am...!

This is something that was on my mind. Has been forever, so...for the first time in my life, I will speak on it for one last time. After this, there will be nothing left to question.

Hmm...seems as if I have battled with my sexuality all of my life. I am tired of explaining myself, and trying to label who I am. I could've sworn my Mother gave me a label when I was born. Why do I need to fit into a category as well? I hate having to question, and look past my feelings because of my religion. I don't want to go against my faith, yet I have always been like this. I never grew up, or saw gay/lesbian couples. Was I born like this? Who knows. Did I choose to be this way? Of course not. Will I ever change? Why, I like myself just fine.

I despise having to tell a white lie, because not even the gay community will accept me. What I am "classified" as is frowned upon in the LGBT community. It is ashame that I am not accepted anywhere. But, before I knew straight from a curve, I have always been attracted to both sexes. I'm stuck in the middle, struggling to the top of a bucket full of bitchin` ass crabs. You can't pull me down, though. To some I'm Queer as Folke. To others I'm straighter than the jawline of a freshly done face augmentation. And, to a select few...confused. I'm no deer in the headlights, I know who I am. But, just because you don't, you question if I am genuine?

For now, and forever let's just say I am everything, and I am nothing. I AM ME !

Hmm...

I guess I need to come in here and add soon, huh?

Love, Lust & Infatuation

I am sure everyone has heard of the saying, "There is a such thing as Love at first sight". Well I am here to tell you that is so WRONG ! I will even go far enough to give you an example.

Brooke* a close friend [ something like a sister ] of mine is dating Shawn*. They met blindly through myself, and Shawn's* brother [ who were talking at the time ]. Brooke* and Shawn* click after the first 3-hour long conversation they have on the phone. About three days later Brooke* calls me up and tells me that she has fallen head-over-heels madly inlove with Shawn*.

Now don't get me wrong, I have never been one to say anything wrong about love, but C'mon now...after just three days? Just as much as I am a firm believer in Love, I am also a firm believer in Lust and Infatuation. Brooke* asked me not to get mad, and fuss at her. I didn't. How could I? Her Love life is NOT my business. I tend to not be interested in the idiotic [ and I say this out of pure love ] fallings in and out's of love Brooke* encounters. Every few months or so Brooke* finds a new victim to trap in her "Love" net. But, I digress...

I hate to creep into someones business, but I did go as far as to ask Brooke* how she knew she loved Shawn*. After sitting quietly on the phone for about a minute, the only answer she could conjure up was, "I just do". Just as quick as G.W. Bush declared war on Iraq, a light went off in my head alerting that Brooke* did not indeed love Shawn*. She was in Lust with him, and even Infatuated with the thought of Love.

How could you truly Love someone after just talking to them on the phone for three days? Anyone can seem like the perfect catch over the phone. You really want to test your Love for someone?

• Get them outside of their element.
• Go on a few dates, and pay close attention to how they treat you in public.
• Do they respect you enough to keep their hands off of you long enough to learn your last name?
• When you ask them a question, do they just give you one worded answers, or do they go in depth?

All I am trying to say is Love takes time. I could give a fuck what anyone says. You have to learn about and accept someones past to be inlove with them. You have to be okay with realizing what you see on the outside doesn't always match the inside. Like Be` Carter said, "...accept me Flaws and All". If you find out that later on down the line, your "Shawn*" keeps on popping up with a new Flaw almost everyday, your taking a risk at Love was all in vain.
Bless Brooke's* heart...and guard Shawn's* because you never know when I might be walking with a knife, and trip and stab him in it.
Just kidding...Or am I? [ No, really I am. I don't want anyone reading this, and locking my ass up. I have a daughter, I'm in college, and frankly I think i'm too sexy for big people's jail. Someone might try to take IT from me ].


* Names in this blog have been changed to ensure that those referred to will remain anonymous.

Falling...Slowly.

How to start this off? I guess, from the beginning...

Mr. Invincible and I met between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What a wonderful man! Our birthdays two days apart, and three years seperate us. The both of us are Capricorns, yes. And, whomever said that opposites attract couldn't have been more wrong. I am drawn to him like magnet. We have so much in common, yet we are so different.

Our conversation is so intense. It is like I am talking to myself in Male form. I know what makes him tick, and every once in a while I will push one of his smaller buttons just so I can see how much he cares. My mental is so intrigued by him, that my physical cannot wait to explore him. We haven't even kissed yet, and still I could see myself waiting the longest Winter for a glimpse of his brown eyes. My heart flutters whenever he comments my beauty, style or personality.

He is tall, with a cinnamon complexion, golds, and tattoos. A street swag, speaks with a southern drag, and a fierce demeanor. Although, underneath it all he has the most genuine smile, and a heart of gold. He has tamed my rebellant soul, and makes me feel like a child again. I just want to feel his arms wrapped around me.

Hopefully gravity will not break its law and forget me. I am so high that I am dusting residue from the universe off of my kicks.

My dream guy? I'm not sure, but he is definetly my reality.

haterMODE !

I really do. Point. Blank. Period. . .

HATE:

Close-Minded Folks.

Dumb Broads.

People who think Tongue Rings are for Freaks/Dikes/Wierd people (Even though I might be 2 out of the three...I did it because I wanted, too. I'm damn near Angelic)

Oh, i HATE the Older men who are turned on by my tongue ring, and procceed to tell me about it (Who gives a fuck, go take some Viagra and jackOFF for three hrs. Just get out of my face)

People that hate all the time..(I'm not included in this...I'm just venting)

People who can't sing, but belt loud enough to be heard cross country.

People who eat with their mouths open(Nasty, nasty)

Guys/Girls, who think every girl/guy wants what they have.

When females are starving, but will not take a bite out of their food because they are around someone they`re crushing off of (eat before you passout, Bitch!).

When people make me laugh when a woman slips and falls right infront of me, because she didn't pay attention to the "Wet Floor" sign. (that shit was funny though)

When someone thinks that is it cute to touch me with their Gremlin toes(they belong on the floor, please keep them there)!